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Conspiracy Primer
THE WARM EMBRACE OF THE COLD WAR
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Things were better when the Soviet Union
stood poised to steam roll Europe with 100 divisions
of hardened Hun killers. It was so obvious to Americans who was behind all
their political, economic, and personal troubles. The Commies. They gave America
rock 'n' roll, plastic, fluoridated water, cradle-to-grave social programs,
gun control, health care, psychotherapy, food court malls, and a thousand
other things that not only made their lives easier but made it easier for
the Commies to march in and take over without firing a shot.
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A funny thing happened on the way to the end of the Millennium: The USSR
collapsed and split up. In hindsight people in the West wonder how they could
have actually been frightened of the Ruskies. A nation that could not
transport more than 10% of its crops to market unspoiled did not seem to be
up to the job of moving half-a-million conscripts through the Fulda
gap.
To really put the boot in, the US military demonstrated in
the Gulf what it always planned for in the Rhineland: a force outnumbered
three to one could still whip a million man army in a matter of days as long
as it was comprised of young pups who firmly believed that "grunt"
was best job they were ever going to get in an early '90s recession-plagued
economy. It helped that there was $30 billion in Nintendo military gadgetry
to provide a touch of backup, but it really was the thought that counted.
After the fall of the USSR,
many a troubled conspiracy theorist had to revise his world view. Not a whole
lot, initially. For many, it was just another crafty Soviet plot. But,
reluctantly, most had to join the paradigm shift.
With one major player down, who is left on the world domination playing
field?
THE ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT
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Spend a couple weeks on Usenet's newsgroup alt.conspiracy
and all will be revealed to you. Americans themselves are collectively to
blame. Government officials elected to office are conspiring to create a
One World Government.
The mileage varies on the hows and whys, but the alt.conspiracy
crowd tends to break it down thusly :
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1) international bankers, 2) politicians in league with
space aliens, 3) the Antichrist, or 4) a combination of the above three are
trying to push North America into chaos. Once they
push things conveniently out-of-control, a state of emergency will be declared.
Guns will be confiscated. True Patriots will be herded into concentration
camps in Alaska and Oklahoma.
Finally, the UN, the Mescaloids from the Galactic Federation, and/or the
Legions of Hell will waltz in and set up shop -- all without firing a shot!
Let's examine what the conspiracy buffs have to say about each of these three
theories.
ALIEN NATION
A super-secret government within the government called
MJ-12 (aka Majestic-12) has been presiding over the "alien
question" since the days of President Eisenhower (some say Truman).
MJ-12 has been keeping all sorts of stuff from the American people: alien
abductions, cattle mutilations, and crashed saucers. If that wasn't bad
enough, a bunch of secret deals were cut with one or more alien races. The theory
goes that rapid technological advancements since the '50s came not from the
billions of dollars spent on the arms and space race, but from donated
technology from space men. Face it: Humans were not smart enough to build the
pyramids and they were not smart enough to build Saturn V rockets.
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You're probably asking, "So what did we have to
give up to get all that tech?" Apparently, America
traded cattle anuses for Pentium chips. Sounds like a good deal, but it
really isn't. Some figure all these cattle mutilations and abductions are
really an attempt to turn humans into breeding stock for some inbred
aliens. (This inbreeding theory may account for why the UFOs are always
grabbing moonshine-drinking yahoos with an affinity for farm animals.)
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Can America
put a stop to this? Not a chance, according to Milton William Cooper, an
alleged former intelligence man with the U.S.
government. If the secret should get out, Cooper says MJ-12 has a plan to
round up all sorts of people and pack them into concentration camps. He also
says JFK was about to blow the whole lid off the alien thing and had to be
bumped off.
IT IS POSSIBLE
Apparently, a "free-market economy" isn't good
enough for the international bankers. Although CEOs continually gripe about
"government meddling" and donate large wads of cash to fervently
anti-Communist political parties, this is actually an act. In truth, a dozen
rich families, led by the money lenders and industrialists, are secretly
planning a one world communist regime. The problem with living in a
"free society" is consumers are free not to buy things. This
must end.
The road block to forced consumerism is the United States
-- but not the entire United States. The intellectual elite, the Feds,
the media, and a bunch of others sold out long ago. Anyone who doesn't
acknowledge The Conspiracy is part of it.
America's freedom rests solely in the hands of the good ol' boys militias.
These are the same good ol' boys who sat patiently with shotgun over knee
outside their Florida trailer homes awaiting the Cuban hordes to storm the
beaches. Occasionally they would pick off a trade student who rang the wrong
doorbell. But all that was before the "information economy" made
the fact that you could sweat-and-grunt a less marketable skill.
While the New Economy seems to have no need for unskilled labor, the good ol'
boys found their own uses. They've formed citizen militias and now run
through Michigan forests drilling for the day when The Government declares
Marshal Law -- when UN forces will pour out of secret bases in U.S. National
Parks and round up all True Patriots, take their guns, and put in them
concentration camps.
RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL
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There's no mention of North America in the Bible -- but
that doesn't seem to faze many Christian fundamentalists who believe
everything that's going wrong in North America is evidence of the "end
times." Before the end, the Devil is going to incorporate the USA and
Canada into a one world government and run the ship of state with the
Antichrist as Maximum Leader. The Faithful (well, maybe not the most
religious because they're going to vanish during The Rapture) are going to
resist to the end.
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That all of this is pre-ordained (translation: there's not
a thing you can do to change it) doesn't seem to bother many American
Christians who are stocking up on guns and bags of fertilizer. Satan isn't
much worried about a few exploding cube vans, however. Since even Christians
have to eat, the Devil is going to inject a microchip into the butts of his 5
billion best buddies. Only those with this little chip (i.e., the Mark of the
Beast) are going to be able to buy stuff. "Refusechips" who stay
faithful to God are going to be put in camps.
Why the camps, you ask? Simple. They need to be kept from getting under foot
in the Holy Land. The Russians and Chinese are going to invade a strip of
turf called Armageddon with 200 million troops. The battle of Armageddon is going
to make Kursk look like a slap fight between two frat boys who locked bumpers
on the highway. Before all sides let go with their nukes (nukes Reagan once
mused would be needed to fight the anti-Christ) Jesus will come back and
reign for a thousand years.
Christians seem to be silent on what happens after that thousand year
period...
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